Regain Control of Your Life

It is often the family member who is the first to notice the problems that arise from gambling. What often starts as a pleasurable and innocent pastime, often in social settings, can quickly develop into a more serious problem with consequences that become harder to handle. As a family member, it is not always easy to determine where the line is drawn, when something goes from positive to negative, from pleasure to problem.

It is not entirely easy to find out if the person you care about actually has a problem. Perhaps because the gambler does not talk about it or tries to cover up their gambling. Perhaps because the gambler is in denial and hides their addiction very well, even from themselves.

But there are some common signs and warning signals that you as a family member can look out for:

• Time: more and more time is dedicated to gambling and planning around gambling. The person may seem more absent than usual and prioritize gambling over other things that were previously important.
• Finances: money disappears from accounts, the person may borrow money more and more often without being able to pay it back. The person may have financial problems despite a steady income, or have difficulty paying bills.
• Mood: the person worries more than usual, is more irritable, and/or shows signs of sadness and anxiety more often.
• Behaviors: it is not uncommon for the person to isolate themselves from friends and other family members and withdraw from social activities that previously seemed obvious for the person to participate in.

Both gambling addiction and gambling problems often involve a hefty dose of denial. It's inherent to the nature of the problem. Instead of wanting to see the whole picture behind their issues, they prefer to focus on gambling even more in an attempt to avoid all consequences. It becomes a vicious cycle, and as a family member, it can be both challenging and scary at the same time to try to shed light on the problem. Nagging and threats rarely lead to a person quitting gambling. Instead, it can have the opposite effect, causing the person you care about to withdraw. Despite your good intentions and efforts to reach them.

As a family member, it's easy to believe that everything will be fine if the gambler just stops gambling. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. Whether your loved one is addicted to gambling or has gambling problems, it requires a significant adjustment to change your lives. Therefore, it's crucial for you as a family member to also focus on the positive, what actually works well. What your gambling loved one would need to focus on even more to shift their focus away from gambling. It's often easier to reach a person in denial by encouraging the positive. What you wish to see more of.

The most effective way to convey constructive criticism is to speak from your own perspective. Instead of accusing or pointing out flaws, you share your own experience. Use "I" statements. Focus on the consequences of your gambling loved one's behavior on your thoughts, feelings, and needs. How does it affect your relationship? How does it feel for you? Describe specific incidents where gambling led to a negative consequence, even for you as a family member, and how you experienced it. It's possible to describe both sorrow and disappointment without sounding accusatory, by talking about the longing that arose because you care about someone, and you desire more of the positive.

Feel free to suggest how things could be different. Encourage your loved one to change their behavior using positive opportunities. The conversations should have a good tone, based on trust and friendship. By starting from yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and needs, you avoid attacking the gambling addict's self-esteem. It's probably already low, albeit unconsciously. That's why the gambler often becomes defensive if they feel accused. A person in a problematic situation needs to feel safe to dare to listen and take it in – which is a prerequisite for being willing to change the situation themselves.

Feel free to suggest and contribute activities that make your gambling loved one feel good, capable, and accomplished afterward. Avoid all forms of activities related to gambling to help the person's self-esteem grow in a gambling-free environment.

Praise is something most of us find pleasant and welcoming, just like love, respect, and community. Try to deepen your relationship, show your appreciation, and encourage. Sometimes,

As a loved one, you find yourself in a difficult situation. You are vulnerable because of your close one's gambling issues and behavior, and it's easy to feel both powerless and forgotten. At that moment, it's especially important for you to focus on taking care of yourself. You need to practice setting boundaries, no matter how difficult it may seem. Both to support the gambler in changing their behavior and for your own sake.

It's nobody's fault that someone becomes addicted. But it always affects others. Therefore, your primary job right now is to put yourself first. Otherwise, as a loved one, it's easy to get caught in the middle. You may lend money, contribute with lies, protect the person in every possible way. Sometimes there are no limits to how far a loved one is willing to go to protect their close one. However, at the same time, you put yourself in a dangerous situation. Instead of denying the problem, as the gambler does, you need to shed light on it. You need to take responsibility for your own well-being, otherwise, you risk falling into depression and living with more anxiety than you already do today.

When you set boundaries, you will probably face reactions. It's all too easy to give in, and that's precisely why you must stand firm and be strong. Sometimes it helps to see the negative reaction as a good sign. It means you've made a mark and the person hears you. They may not like what they hear, but that's not your problem either. Instead, continue to stand firm. Over time, it will lead to positive results. Don't lend out more money, stop covering up. Let the person take responsibility for their own negative actions, while you continue to encourage and support positive ones.

Even though it's stressful to be a loved one and even though it's difficult to prioritize yourself, that's exactly what you must do. In order to have the strength to be there for your friend in a positive and constructive way.

Being a loved one to a gambling addict means that your life is also filled with worry and conflicts. It often feels lonely and powerless. Your friend may not listen to you, or perhaps not even care about you and your needs. It's common for the loved one to stop doing things that they used to enjoy, and in the worst case, fall into depression due to prolonged sadness. Try, as much as you can, to do what you used to find enjoyable. What used to give you energy and joy. Exercise? Friends? Start small and work your way up from there.

It's also important for you as a loved one to have a safe space where you can talk about your situation without fear of a negative reaction from your close one. Support from others is a crucial ingredient for you to feel good. Maybe a friend, a therapist, or a support group of some kind. A space where you can reflect freely on the situation without risking conflicts.

If your gambling close one is trying to quit playing, it's an excellent opportunity for both of you to spend time outside of the game by doing things together that you both enjoy. This way, you can create new, positive experiences with the time that was previously consumed entirely by gambling.

Many loved ones, but not all, develop codependency. Codependency is a condition that can affect a person who lives close to an addict, such as an alcoholic or a gambling addict. The person who is codependent adjusts their behavior and personality based on the needs of the dependent person, hoping to help and facilitate.

Some of us develop these behaviors as children, while others learn them later in life. It's common for the codependent person to subconsciously seek out chaotic relationships where addiction or other problematic behaviors occur.

Characteristic traits of codependency may include:

• They feel responsible for other people's behaviors
• They are often unaware of what they themselves want and need
• They feel safest in a position where they give
• They are often attracted to people with needs
• They feel bored and empty if they have no one to help
• They overcommit very easily
• They believe that their behavior is other people's fault

If you're unsure, you can answer 9 simple questions to see if you are at risk. Take the quick test for codependency.

It's possible to regain control over your life while still being there for your loved one. Contact us at Spelfriheten and we'll assist you with the next steps.

Feel free to learn more about our family treatment.